A little bit of this and that

Dear Fellow Journalers,,

Some humor from long ago. Enjoy!


Fellow Journalers,,

I don’t know about you, but I am pretty much frustrated with all the goings on in my town, state, country. Life is hard enough without the negativity that surrounds us on a daily basis. Some days it is really hard to write about anything positive so I decided to take a break and offer you a little bit of what I have seen lately that will, hopefully take you away from the stresses you are under. This first bit is a piece I saw in the New Haven Register dated September 20, 2018. It is a story by Bob Story entitled ” How to give your cat a pill.” I must warn you, this piece is really funny!

” Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on the other side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat open up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant  to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove next pill from foil wrap.

Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head visible under assistant’s armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow.

Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

Call 911 and ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat’s mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce raw hamburger into cat’s mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling and pour one-half pint of water down cat’s throat.

Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room, Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.”

Don’t try this at home!

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